What Contributes to a Successful Marriage?
-By Jeanne and Ron Miterko-
September 11, 2021
Before we can comment on any contributions to a successful marriage, we need to define “a successful marriage”. Certainly success, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. We can most likely agree however, that this is one of those things that falls into the category of “you will know it when you see it”. There are a few indicators that jump out in identifying success: a large number of anniversaries for instance, or a convergence of thoughts about certain subjects. Couples have been described as looking alike and or sounding alike. This makes sense given the amount of time the two people spend together. But is this success?
Perhaps there is a lot more to take into consideration before a successful marriage is defined. God created us all as individuals. We are all wired differently depending not only on genetics, but a plethora of factors, such as socioeconomic, parenting, community, faith, education, traumatic experiences, age, etc. We bring all this to our marriage relationship. All these factors shape our expectations and our responses in relating to a spouse. We become extremely vulnerable by laying bare who we really are to our spouse.
In realizing that a large part of togetherness is sharing vulnerability, it is reasonable to ask; does vulnerability lend itself to fear? For most, it certainly does. How much can we share about how we really think and feel on touchy subjects without provoking judgement, rejection, criticism, and the like. We fear that our feelings will get hurt, or we will be rejected for who we are or what we’ve been through and believe. The spirit of fear can easily come in to kill, steal, and destroy any close relationship—especially that of husband or wife.
A successful marriage must be able to allow vulnerability. Relationships are built on sharing vulnerability along with every other aspect of life. At the same time, couples must be aware and vigilant in preventing an opportunity for fear to worm its way in and work toward division. But how can we accomplish this?
Yeshua! As is usually the case, the answer lies with Him. If Yeshua is at the center of our marriage relationship, then we have what we need to be successful.
“If anyone acknowledges that Yeshua is Ben Elohim, God abides in him and he abides in God…God is Love…There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:15-18, TLV).
Therefore, we can share our vulnerability and have no fear of being judged, criticized, controlled, abandoned, rejected, or shamed.
If we are truly given over to Yeshua, all our foibles have also been given over to Him. We know who we are, and we know how to love.
“We love, because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
Another important aspect that helps define a successful marriage relationship involves forgiveness. Rav Shaul advised the Colossians,
“Therefore as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves in tender compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience—bearing with one another and forgiving each other, if anyone has a grievance against one another. Just as the Lord pardoned you, so also you must pardon others. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:12-14, TLV).
As stated above, no two people think, feel, or act exactly the same way. How often have you heard of relationships that ended badly because one party believed they could “change” the other person in some meaningful way. This belief that your way is superior to any other way allows the spirit of control an opportunity to come in and do a lot of damage to an otherwise good relationship. To protect and promote a healthy marriage relationship, the party desiring a change in the other person needs to realize an important fact. Namely, that the changing needs to go in the other direction. We ourselves need to change first.
The way to overcome the spirit of control is by giving and taking graciously. This is the “bearing one with another and forgiving each other” about which Rav Shaul speaks to the community in Colossians. Applied on a marital level, this sound advice wipes away the feeling of needing to change your spouse to be something he/she is not. The concept of block logic may be helpful here. This is the Eastern mindset of holding conflicting ideas and concepts in tension together. There can be many right answers—it’s okay if things don’t seem to make sense. As opposed to linear thinking that is logical wherein everything lines up to only one right answer. We as individuals, by putting on love, can give our spouse the space they need, and if they don’t think, act, or feel exactly like you, it’s okay even if it doesn’t make any sense. This is the bond of perfect harmony.
What else might contribute to the bond of perfect harmony? Rav Shaul explains to the Ephesians,
"Therefore I, as a prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you were called—with complete humility and gentleness, with patience, putting up with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:1-2).
This verse says a lot about relationships. First, we are to give everything that we are over to the Lord—to be His prisoner. If one truly gets to this level of spiritual maturity, then everything in the world is seen through the eyes of Messiah Yeshua. We take on His character in relating to others, including our spouse.
Rav Shaul continues, explaining that we are to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which we were called. There is a responsibility here to understand what our calling is. This is important because if we are not sure who we are or what purpose we serve, how can we relate well to other people, especially to a spouse? Do we really know our true identity or the specific calling the Lord has on our lives? If we know how much we are loved by the Father, we can walk in a manner worthy of our calling. Loving ourselves because He first loved us is a prerequisite to being able to love another person. A successful marriage requires us to pursue these truths.
Finally, Rav Shaul tells us to walk with complete humility and gentleness, with patience, putting up with one another in love. Relationships are never easy; Paul knew that. It is really hard to “put up” with another. A successful marriage is the result of learning well who we are, why we are here and practicing putting up with each other in love.
Digging a little deeper into understanding our true identity and why that is vital in a successful marriage, let’s look at Psalm 112. I love reading this psalm over all the men in my life on Erev Shabbat.
Blessed is the Righteous Man
Psalm 112
1 Halleluyah! Happy is the man who fears Adonai,
who delights greatly in His mitzvot.
2 His offspring will be mighty in the land.
The generation of the upright will be blessed.
3 Wealth and riches are in his house,
and his righteousness endures forever.
4 Light shines in the darkness for the upright.
Gracious, compassionate, and just is he.
5 Good comes to a man who is gracious and lends.
He will order his affairs with fairness.
6 Surely, he will never be shaken.
The righteous are remembered forever.
7 He is not afraid of bad news—
his heart is steadfast, trusting in Adonai.
8 His heart is secure; he will not fear—
until he gazes on his foes.
9 He gives freely to the poor.
His righteousness endures forever.
His horn is lifted high in honor.
10 The wicked will see it and be indignant.
He will gnash with his teeth and waste away.
The desire of the wicked will perish. (TLV)
Who would not be in love with a man that behaved in accordance with all the wonderful attributes found in Psalm 112? This dovetails beautifully with Rav Shaul’s exhortations found in his letter to the Ephesians.
“Therefore, be imitators of God, as dearly loved children; and walk in love, just as Messiah also loved us and gave Himself up for us as an offering and sacrifice to God for a fragrant aroma.” (Ephesians 5:1-2, TLV)
When Husbands are able to truly take on the nature of Messiah Yeshua, leaving the old self behind, embracing their real identity, then wives and the rest of their household are blessed beyond measure. All goes well for the relationship that is grounded in the character of the Lord as outlined in Psalm 112 and demonstrated through Messiah Yeshua. The more we take on the Lord’s nature, the easier it is to relate to each other in love, joy, and peace. Where these dynamics are at work in a marriage relationship, Ephesians 5:21 can better be understood.
“Also submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Messiah—wives to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as Messiah also is head of His community—Himself the Savior of the body.” (Ephesians 5:21-23, TLV)
It is okay, even a blessing, if a righteous man is head of his wife. God’s character radiates between husband and wife and flows out to the rest of the family and into the community; it’s pretty much guaranteed. When we encounter a couple with the above dynamics in place, right there is a successful marriage! “You will know it when you see it.”
May we flip the question and ask what does not contribute to a successful marriage? The answer is obvious: Just about everything! The dangers of falling short of our marital intentions are manifest, and we are mostly unprepared to deal with them when operating in the natural world. Moreover, “New Age norms” have demeaned and are trying to destroy the very idea of marriage.
The components of a successful marriage are rooted (among many other things) in practicing kindness, selflessness, and devotion, but the secret of a successful lasting marriage may lie in the marriage union itself. As we see in Genesis 2:24,
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh.”
Implicit in the wedding vows is written the concept of covenantal relationship, or commitment, between husband and wife. Scriptures make it clear that no lasting relationship can exist without a formal covenant.
“The Lord confides in those who fear Him, and He makes his covenant known to them” (Psalm 25:14).
The covenantal relationship between God and man or man and wife are central themes in the Bible and represent a sanctity of relationship which can not be abrogated. The covenantal promises made by God to the Israelites were conditional upon their faithfulness and trust, the very concepts which govern marital vows.
The bonds which define the marriage covenant and the necessity of both parties’ adherence to that vow cannot be overstated. In the Ten Commandments, adultery is cited not once but twice: 1) Thou shall not commit adultery, and 2) thou shall not covet (your neighbor’s wife, servant, ox or donkey or anything that belongs to your neighbor).
It may be that nothing of lasting significance exists between God and man without a covenant. The new covenant presaged in Jeremiah is very clear:
"Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah, not like the covenant that I made with their fathers on the day when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, my covenant that they broke, though I was their husband, declares the Lord. For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts” (Jeremiah 31:31-33).
Without covenant, man is susceptible to the vagaries of his heart, to the world, and to the evil one. Understanding of covenant and the sacred bond it cultivates with God and with our spouse contains the key to success.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jeanne and Ron Miterko have been married for 34 years. They are long time attendees of the congregation “Simchat Yisrael” in West Haven, Connecticut. They have two sons and a cute dog named Scooby Doo.