Love and Marriage

-By Joseph Shulam-

Love and Marriage is like a Two-Wheel Carriage! 

The LORD’s creation on the sixth day and one of the last stages of his creation was man, Adam. The name Adam comes from the Hebrew root of Adamah, Earth or Land! This creature was not created with the other animals nor in the same pattern as they were created. This Adam was created in a totally different pattern from all the rest of the animal world. Although there is much similarity between Adam and the gorgeous mammals like the noble cat family, the lions, tigers, leopards, cheetahs, and the interesting and very diverse family of the primates (the monkeys) that has so many characteristics like the humans, yet Adam was created after a consultation with someone that was right next to the Father of all who created everything alone.

The creation of Adam was very special. Someone was standing next to God the Father and He said:

“Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” (Genesis 1:26, NKJV)

In the creation of Adam, there was cooperation, consultation, and partnership between the FATHER of ALL and some ONE who is in His likeness and in His nature. In other words, Man’s creation was a joint venture between God and someone that has the same nature and the same likeness. You could say that this creature called Adam that was formed from the mud of the Earth was the handiwork of God who had a divine nature like the God who formed him and created this “Adam”.

God doesn’t make mistakes. When Adam was formed and placed in the Garden that God created, Adam was perfect, and he should have been perfectly happy being alone in the Garden with all the wonderful trees and plenty of water. The Lord God Himself could walk in the Garden in the cool of the evening like He did in chapter three after Adam and Eve sinned and were hiding, and He pretended to be looking for him. 

With this wonderful Garden and the wonderful state of creation, yet there was not full fellowship with the Almighty Creator of the world. Something was not right in the Garden!

“And the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’”(Genesis 2:18, NKJV).

“It is not good that man should be alone!” God formed for Adam a helper that is equal to him. Genesis 2:20 makes this very important statement that we must not ignore, “But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.” 

"And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.’" (Genesis 2:21–23, NKJV)

The consideration of the Almighty God, the Creator of the Universe for Adam’s loneliness was the reason why the LORD God of all made and formed the woman from the rib of Adam. This is also the reason that the first song in the Bible is here in Genesis 2:23, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man.”

The next verse gives us the paradigm of the order and the relationship between Adam and Eve and the future families that will be formed by this couple.

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24, NKJV).

There is no room for misunderstanding in this story and in the Genesis text. The future of all the generations of humanity depends on this very paradigm, “man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, the female, and they together will become something new; the two will become ONE FLESH!

The twentieth century was probably the bloodiest century in the history of mankind. The inventions of the industrial revolution—the steam engine, the internal combustion engine that enabled cars and tanks and airplanes to be built in order to wage war and destroy whole cities—have destroyed more human lives than in any other century of human history. There were at least 108,000,000 human lives killed in the wars of the 20th century. 

However, in my opinion, the much bigger damage to humanity with much longer-lasting effects of this damage in the 20th century is the destruction and degradation of the human family. You see, dear brothers and friends, the creation of the world and the placing of Adam as the crown of God’s Creation and as the manager of God’s economy in this brave new world that was created by the Almighty God in six days was incomplete without woman. It was God the Father of all who observed that it is not good for man to be alone and that man needs a comparable, compatible, helper, and partner—a woman! This molecule made from two atoms, the man and the woman, is the building block of humanity and the carrier of the history of the world, from the Garden of Eden to the end of history as it is described in the Isaiah 60 and in the book of Revelation. The family of a man and a woman is that molecule that creates the future of mankind. Without this molecule working, compatible with each other and making children, fruited in the love between these God-designed, bonded-together creatures, humanity would cease to exist in just a few centuries or less. 

This holy bond, this God designed relationship, the Family, that can reproduce and create subsequent generations of humans is in real danger of suffering extinction in a few short generations. Today already, some men go looking for surrogate mothers in Brazil, India, or other countries, and pay much money to just have an artificial relationship paid for with money to have a child that ultimately is not really his, because the DNA will be from a strange and anonymous woman who will not raise this baby and will not breast feed his baby. As this child grows, he will never know the love of his real mother. What will this child have to say in school when he is asked to bring his mother? Will he say, sorry, I have two fathers! 

The family is made from two humans created by God to be compatible and comparable and different in some ways yet of the same rights and value while diverse in function—yes, a man and a woman. This is what the designer and engineer who planned and created this world intended when He made a man and a woman, a male and female. He, the Creator, designed it this way for all the humans and also for the whole mammal family in nature. We, the humans, are not the only male and females in what we call Earth. 

We all must be happy and grateful that the majority of the world is still following by nature the LORD’s pattern of a family being of the marriage of one man and one woman. A male and a female come together to live and build a family and make children that have their DNA and their looks who will be raised with love from both a father and a mother who love each other and care for each other and share their lives. Their children will continue to do the same and sustain the human race.

This was just the introduction. Now we can discuss a good marriage! Someone once said, “A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects that they got the better deal.” Here are some sayings from wise people who talk about marriage:

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.” —Socrates

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.” —Leo Tolstoy

“Marriage is a risk; I think it’s a great and glorious risk, as long as you embark on the adventure in the same spirit.” —Cate Blanchett

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.” —George Bernard Shaw

“To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.” —Ogden Nash

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck

“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” —Joseph Barth

“For you and I are past our dancing days.” —William Shakespeare, in Romeo and Juliet

“Excellent wretch! Perdition catch my soul, but I do love thee, and when I love thee not, chaos is come again.” —William Shakespeare, in Othello

“Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.” —Franz Schubert

“In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money, virtue before beauty, the mind before the body, then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self.” —William Penn

“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.” —Simone Signoret

“Sensual pleasures have the fleeting brilliance of a comet; a happy marriage has the tranquility of a lovely sunset.” —Ann Landers [I would add also a beautiful sunrise works, too!]

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” —Dave Meurer

Here are some notes that I have used in pre-marriage counseling. These notes are somewhat tedious issues, however, these tedious issues are land mines that ought to be neutered as early as possible in all marriages—important issues which, if treated right, would enrich a marriage and make it able to cope with the difficulties and challenges of any marriage. Relationship with the family of your spouse is one of those landmines that is virtually unavoidable in any marriage. 

Your relationship with your spouse's parents and family may be one of the most significant relationships in your marriage. It is important at the beginning of your marriage and in the first years of marriage to understand these relationships and what blessings or difficulties you and your spouse may have over your families. Here are the tools to avoid problem issues related to families: 

1. List some traits of your spouse's parents that you really like. Mark for yourself why you like these traits.
2. What involvement do you expect and / or want from your spouse and family? Do you like over-involvement (closeness) more than under-involvement (distance) in general (or vice versa)?
3. How do you feel about your spouse's relationship with his or her parents?
4. What relationship do you think you have with your mothers-in-law? What relationship do you want?
5. Do you look at your in-laws as a help or an obstacle especially in your upcoming or current marriage?
6. How will the two sets of in-laws relate to each other in celebrations or in sad moments and what do you and your spouse do to ameliorate any problems between your family and the other in-laws?
7. I believe it is wise, if you wish from time to time, to write a personal letter or personal card to your in-laws. It is very important, especially if you live far from the family, to write an informative and supporting note to your own family and to your spouse’s family. You must not write to one side without also writing to the other side, because eventually they will share with each other if they receive a letter, and if the other side doesn’t receive anything from you, they might feel bad. A letter to both sides is different and, in some ways, even better and more important than a phone call! A written note is an entirely different animal and an encouragement even from an electronic contact! 

Giving and receiving love is one of those issues that changes over time in a marriage. The physical love is one of those issues between a husband and wife that needs constant care and nursing.

Anyone who has been in an intimate relationship will know that people express and receive love in different ways. One may be "physical touch" and like to express his love with touch, hugs, and physical warmth, while the other solves problems—and both offer these qualities in favor of the relationship. Now wouldn’t it be good to understand what your partner's love style is?

Your love language:

You need to know what words of approval, appreciation, or encouragement work best with your spouse. For example, does your spouse like nicknames, words of sexual affection, and affectionate names related to sex? Or is your partner more puritan and doesn’t enjoy names related to physical affection?

Love for your spouse needs to be actions like helping a wife or husband at home, in matters related to life at work, or issues that are important to the husband or wife. It is never enough to take out the garbage once or twice per week. 

Each party in the family has hobbies and personal interests. These interests need support and a show of interest by the other side. Showing support for your partner in marriage beyond the marriage issues is of immense importance for a good marriage. There needs to be an expression of support for each other beyond talking, sex, and providing financial security for the family. Marriage will become a boring thing if it is limited only to taking care of the regular issues of the family. 

• Quality time spent together is a daily must. 
• Physical contact: there are times when the other partner is uncomfortable with sex and being intimate. Please consider and learn to know the spouse and respect the other party's wishes.
• Giving and receiving gifts: do not miss the opportunity to give gifts on birthdays, anniversaries, and in times of success of your partner, like receiving certificates of success and graduation. But always consider the financial situation of the family and do so always in a reasonable framework so as not to overdo it and at a price that will not cause inconvenience to the other party.
• How do you feel about public affection? Are there any important “rules” regarding our public affection that I need to know?
• You need to learn in what ways do you like to receive love and affection best? In what ways does your partner like to receive affection and love best?

After a few months of marriage, you may find that there are many more decisions and details that need to be worked on together to resolve. Therefore, you must learn to communicate effectively with each other. The right time to approach each other with problems or issues is important. The right place to approach issues is also important, especially for young families who are used to communicating from electronic screens. You have to learn these things from each other and from your experience, or else you can also ask and discuss these questions. Married couples soon after the marriage will be changing a lot of things, and you must be aware of the processes that happen after the marriage. Preparing in advance for these changes can eliminate many of the stresses that may arise.

How would you like your spouse to tell you and show you that you are valued? What's the best way, place and time for your spouse to share criticism of you or suggest things that you ought to change or improve? What is most aggravating in your current marriage? How would you prefer your spouse to ask for money to buy something that is needed or desired? When do you feel your partner is listening to you and is interested in what you have to say? 

During arguments you will allow your partner to talk without interruption. During arguments look into your partner's eyes. Do your best not to start or continue to argue in the car while driving; it is a bad and dangerous practice! During arguments asks questions and make comments that are not dogmatic or judgmental, and especially don’t mention the family. Keep the arguments between yourselves. 

When you are hurt by something your partner said or did, do you:

• Withdraw from your partner and leave the room? 
• Do you say or do something that will hurt him or her?
• Do you get so angry with your partner that you lose your temper and use violence?
• Do you pretend everything is fine?
• Do you get into a "mood" and stop communication all together?

Money and the use of money in the family is always an issue of possible conflict. Money and financial planning can cause a lot of stress in marital relationships. According to some studies, this is a consistently difficult area for the newlyweds and one of the major problems throughout marital history. Money habits in the first years of marriage can last throughout the history of the marriage. Hence the questions about "money and professional expectations" need to be discussed and agreed upon as early as possible in every marriage, and it is never too late to open these issues and agree on protocol and the use of money. 

It is very important to agree who will manage your family's finances? Who 'should' be the treasurer and accountant of the family? 

Decide, for example, what amount a purchase can be without having to discuss it with your partner first. Making financial decisions before the issue comes up is a good way to avoid problems. So, estimate your combined annual income after tax, and then decide how much would you allocate, on an annual basis, to the following?

• Rent, mortgage, housewares and furniture, regular expenses like food, entertainment, and vacations. Making budgets is a healthy thing to do in these days of computerized life like young couples live today. Nothing is written on stone, and there can always be surprises and adjustments in the budget, but sailing in the ocean of life in our modern world without an anchor is unwise! 
• It is also important to schedule vacations and be ready and willing to change the location or activities of vacations between what you want to do and what your spouse would like to.
• Household operating expenses (including Internet, cables, etc.)
• Clothing, swimsuits, and apparel
• Electrical appliances, furniture, key household items
• Vehicle (insurance, gas, maintenance) and / or transportation
• Entertainment (including videos, movies, fun food, etc.)
• Recreation (skiing, cycling, golf, etc.)
• Insurance like life insurance and of course car insurance ought to be known and communicated between the family members.
• Tithing or giving to the synagogue or church is also an issue that ought to be agreed upon between the husband and the wife.

The last but not the least of these land mines in marriage is a clear understanding of the spiritual and the religious freedoms and traditions in your family and in your homes. 

This article will end with some more quotes about marriage that I like for two reasons: I like the people who said these words, and every good and wise instruction is worth knowing, remembering, and putting to practice! 

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness, and call it love—true love.” – Robert Fulghum, True Love

“Love is like a beautiful flower which I may not touch, but whose fragrance makes the garden a place of delight just the same.” – Helen Keller

“What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life–to strength each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?” – George Eliot

“We loved with a love that was more than love.” – Edgar Allan Poe

“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.” – Plato

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” – When Harry Met Sally

“I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.” – Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it be rather a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” – Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Shulam was born in Sofia, Bulgaria on March 24, 1946 to a Sephardic Jewish Family. In 1948, his family immigrated to Israel just before the establishment of the State. While in high school, he was introduced to the New Testament and immediately identified with the person of Yeshua. In 1981, Joseph and the small fellowship that was started in his house established one of the first official non-profit organizations of Jewish Disciples of Yeshua in Israel – Netivyah Bible Instruction Ministry. Joseph has lectured extensively and has assisted in encouraging disciples around the world. He and his wife Marcia have two children and two grandchildren.