A Match Made in Heaven: With a little help from the community
-By Anonymous-
Many consider the choice of a marriage partner to be one of the most important decisions a person will make in life. And yet, in many ‘modern’ cultures, this hugely important, life changing decision is left almost entirely up to the individual. Sadly, the divorce rate among believers is higher than necessary due in part, I believe, to the hands-off approach which is often taken within the community. In this article, I will discuss the practice of matchmaking—both within observant Jewish culture and the Bible. Further, I will advocate for a more engaged approach to helping single people connect with each other through community involvement. Is there a more proactive, helpful approach that the believing community could adopt?
Left on their own
When we have strong feelings about a person or thing, it is difficult to remain objective and discern the will of God. When the Body of Messiah leaves young people to find their own partner, we abdicate our responsibility to support and protect our members. More mature single adults in the believing community also need that support. Though they may be better equipped to avoid some of the pitfalls, they also need help expanding the search and feeling included. The lack of support can be very hurtful for them. An acquaintance who is still looking for a godly spouse expressed it this way, “There’s one thing that drives me insane: In Israeli society, the secular people match-make. The religious people, from dati light to Orthodox, match-make. Every single person in Israel match-makes except believers. And then it’s like, ‘In God’s time…’ or ‘Maybe you’re called to singleness’ (I want to SHOOT those people!!!) or some other useless, lifeless, hopeless, soul-sucking attitude. Sometimes people are empathetic and understand what it’s like for singles. On the rare occasion, people do try to match-make. But on the whole, matchmaking just isn’t part of the Messianic culture.”
Marriage was originally God’s idea. After all, He is the one who said,
“It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18).
Indeed, some would even assert that God was the first Matchmaker. We read in Genesis chapter two that God formed woman out of man and brought her to Adam. As Derek Prince wisely said, “The decision that the man was to marry proceeded from God, not from the man.” In his seminal book on Jewish marriage, Made in Heaven, Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan points out that marriage and family are foundational elements in building strong, enduring societies—the best means for passing on Biblical values to the next generation. He says, “The family bond and its relationships are sanctified. Marriage and the family are integral parts of the divine plan.”
In Jewish tradition, the accepted ideal has always been to marry and raise up a family. The Talmud (Yevamoth 62b) clearly states that, “He who spends his days without a wife, has no joy, no blessing, no good.” One of the most common reasons is the Torah commandment to “be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it” in Genesis 1:28. But another verse that is commonly cited is Isaiah 45:18 which states that God formed the earth “to be inhabited”. The Word also says,
“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 31:10).
“A man’s greatest treasure is his wife—she is a gift from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22).
Throughout scripture, it is clear that God highly values marriage and family. We, as the Body of Messiah, need to take it seriously and help to facilitate strong marriages and families.
Matchmaking
Simply put, matchmaking is proactively helping two well-suited single people know about each other and their mutual desire to be married. Both young adults and more mature single people are helped through this process. When a match is made, it is called a “shiddukh” in Hebrew and modern Jewish parlance. Interestingly, the word is derived from the Aramaic word “shadakh,” which means ‘to rest’ or ‘to experience tranquility.’ The person who helps to facilitate the Shiddukh is known as the shadkhan and can be a relative, friend, or professional matchmaker.
In observant Jewish communities, matchmaking is a common practice. Typically, a single young man or woman will let their parents know that they are ready to start looking for a spouse. The family will let their friends and extended family know so that these can help to think about other single people who have expressed an interest in being married. Many factors are considered when evaluating a potential match such as family background and level of observance. If a potential match is found, then the families set up a first meeting for the couple in a discreet, public place. Care is taken to ensure that if the match does not work out, neither person needs to feel embarrassed. It is typical to see couples, dressed in their best, sitting together in a park or the lobby of a nice hotel. On a first ‘date’, they focus on getting to know each other. If there is mutual interest, then follow-up dates are set up. Both people know that the other is intent on finding a marriage partner, so it is common to discuss values, life goals, etc. at an early stage. It is not about going to the movies or ‘hanging out.’ The intention is to get acquainted without any physical contact.
Matchmaking needs to be done with the consent of the single person when they express readiness. I see this kind of matchmaking as a healthy middle ground. On one hand some cultures utilize arranged marriages. In the most extreme forms, the couple do not have a say in the choice of their mate. On the other end of the spectrum is the completely hands-off approach taken by many in the Christian/Messianic world which leaves finding a suitable marriage partner completely up to the young person.
Rabbi Kaplan highlights the historical and cyclical nature of this matchmaking process. “He knows that she is special. And she knows that he is unique. Of all the people in the world, they realize that they are meant for each other. It is as if it has been set up since the time of creation. And in a sense, it was. Behind every couple that meets, there is a chain of events that stretches back through the eons. If we trace the chain to its very beginning, we find that it actually does go back to creation.” How did they meet? Who was involved? Example: He is introduced to her by a friend of the family. But how did the family come to know this person? All of the factors that brought the family into contact with the friend must be taken into account. Let’s say that the parents knew this friend in school. Why did they go to that particular school? What attracted them to that student, and what kept the friendship going over the years? And how did the girl become known to the family friend? We make many choices in life that affect later options and choices. For instance, perhaps the grandparents, two generations early, chose to move to a new city and settle in a certain neighborhood. That is how the parent’s generation ended up at the school and met the friend. And this particular couple deciding to marry will affect the future generations that come from their union. It is an ongoing cycle of connections and choices.
There is a well-established factor in finding a mate known as propinquity—the physical or psychological closeness between people. You are much more likely to meet someone who lives close to you. This can be physical closeness or a shared ethnic or religious connection. In the Body of Messiah, we can use this propinquity to help people know and interact with others of similar faith and values, but it takes intention. Helping people know about a suitable marriage partner, even in a faraway place, is a huge good deed. Even though they were not in close proximity physically, through their family and social network, they are close in other perhaps more important ways.
Once the couple is married, the shadkhan is typically given a sizable cash gift from the families as a practical way to say, “thank you.” This practice also helps to reinforce the continuation of this process which is seen as invaluable to maintaining a strong and stable community.
Finding “The One”
Our culture today, at least in the West, places so much emphasis on finding “the one”—usually meant as the one who will make you the happiest. Is there such a thing as “The One”? In Jewish tradition, there is a concept called Beshert. Though it can refer to any fortuitous event (“I missed the appointment, but it must have been beshert, because the doctor that I finally met with helped me so much.”), it is most often used to mean a soulmate—the one person whom an individual is divinely destined to marry. Indeed, the sages tell us that everyone has a partner preordained for them forty days before conception (popularly known as one’s beshert). However, it doesn’t mean that finding or sustaining a marriage relationship is easy. Beshert doesn’t mean that the person is perfect. Rather, marrying each other will help these two individuals to best carry out their God-given purposes in life. It may be the partners’ shortcomings that help them overcome their own selfishness and develop the character necessary to fulfill their life mission.
Tradition and experience also tell us that marriage takes commitment and hard work. Whether there is one (and only one) person that each person is destined to marry is debatable. Might it also be that we find someone who is compatible and then make them “the one” through open dialogue and covenant faithfulness?
When you think about how to best find “true love”, would you rather look to Hollywood or God’s Word? Hollywood often strongly gives the impression that two people “fall in love”. In some magical experience, a man and a woman look into each other’s eyes and there is immediate “chemistry” between them. Then the expectation is reinforced that this mystical bond will last a lifetime. In reality, a lot goes into two people building a lasting relationship that will stand the test of time and life’s challenges. It takes serious commitment to stick with it and continue to work things out. Certain factors can significantly help to ensure that the couple’s relationship will not collapse. These include shared faith and values, common interests, and support from family and friends. Research clearly shows that people who take their faith seriously and are actively involved in a faith community are far less likely to divorce.
Matchmaking in the Bible
Matchmaking has a long tradition within Jewish culture dating back to at least the second century C.E. This is not surprising since there are many examples of matchmaking in scripture and God’s hand can often be seen in the events, such as earlier when we mentioned God creating the woman and bringing her to the first man in the Garden of Eden.
In Genesis 24, Abraham in his old age sends his most trusted servant back to his homeland to find a wife for his beloved son, Isaac. He makes him swear that he will not take a wife for Isaac from among the local Canaanites. The servant asks what he should do if the young lady from Abraham’s extended family refuses to return with him to marry Isaac. Should he then take Isaac back to the land that Abraham had left? And Abraham is adamant that he should not take Isaac out of Canaan since the LORD had promised it to Abraham and his descendants. He further assured the servant that God would send His angel before him to help make his journey successful. When the servant arrived at his destination it was no coincidence that Rebekah was the first maiden to arrive at the well before he even finished his prayer.
Isaac follows the example of Abraham his father. He calls Jacob and says,
"You shall not take a wife from the daughters of Canaan. Arise, go to Padan-Aram, to the house of Bethuel your mother's father; and take yourself a wife from there of the daughters of Laban your mother's brother” (Gen. 28:1-2).
Again, it is no coincidence that Rachel is the first family member that Jacob meets when he arrives at the well in Haran. Abraham and Isaac must have seen the values of the local Canaanite tribes and known instinctively that marrying sons into them would make it nearly impossible to follow in the ways that God had directed them.
Also consider the story of Ruth. It is not a stretch to say that God led Ruth to the field belonging to Boaz, the kinsman redeemer. She had a desire to help find food for herself and Naomi, so she requested,
“Let me go to the field and glean among the ears of grain after him in whose sight I shall find favor” (Ruth 2:2).
Naomi consented, and we read that Ruth set out. She saw some reapers harvesting, and the text says,
“she happened to come to the part of the field belonging to Boaz.”
After she found favor in his eyes, it was Naomi who then wisely instructed Ruth to go to Boaz and make herself known. As a foreigner, Ruth would not have known either the family ties or the Biblical injunction to raise up offspring for a near male relative who dies. As an older and wiser woman, from within the culture, Naomi helped Ruth know how to properly navigate the matchmaking process.
Other examples include Esther when she was presented to King Xerxes, and he was intrigued (Esther 2); Zipporah was given to Moses after he rescued her and her sisters from the shepherds at the well (Exodus 2:16-21); and Gomer (a prostitute) was given to Hosea to marry as an example (Hosea 1:2-3). Scripture makes it clear that God highly values marriage and family.
Conclusion
When it comes to marriage and family, there is much within the Bible and Jewish tradition that is commendable. Matchmaking, done properly, is definitely one of those areas that the believing community can and should emulate and utilize much more frequently. Why not take a few minutes right now to think about people you know who are currently looking for suitable marriage partners. Prayerfully consider who you know that might make a good shiddukh for them. Then mention that person to your single acquaintance, or go further and facilitate a way for them to informally meet in a group setting. As we all take this concept of matchmaking to heart and apply it, our single members will be blessed, and the believing community will be strengthened.